The Uncontrollable Anxiety Spiral - A Diary Of Intrusive Thoughts

Monday, 8 June 2020

Anxiety is both necessary and cruel. Necessary, because when it occurs correctly, it serves to protect us from dangerous situations in life. Cruel, because when it occurs incorrectly, it can become debilitating.

Anyone who suffers from anxiety - especially in the form of a generalised disorder - will know just how cruel it can be. The unwelcomed thoughts that intrude on your mind every second of the day are almost impossible to describe. One anxious thought enters your brain, and it causes an uncontrollable spiral effect that seems never-ending.

I thought it might be interesting to document how my own anxious thoughts spiral out of control from the second I wake up in the morning. A sort of 'diary of intrusive thoughts.'

Weird? Maybe. But perhaps you can relate.

So, here's a deeply personal glimpse into my brain, and the intrusive thoughts I generally have daily, relating to chronic pain, guilt, IBS, relationships, and just generally feeling not good enough.


Wake up.

Worry.

My head hurts.

Does it hurt more than it did last night?

Perhaps.

Maybe not.

Oh well.

Painkillers...


I take too many painkillers.

My kidneys are suffering.

My liver.

What about when I fall pregnant?

I won’t be able to have them.

How will I cope?

What if I'm a bad mother?

What if I have a bad pregnancy?...


Wait.

Pregnant.

What if I can’t get pregnant?

What if I’m infertile?

I’ll be devastated.

My partner will be devastated.

He really wants more children.

Would he still want to be with me?...


Stop!

Stop thinking that way.

It’s not helpful...


Pain.

Pelvic pain.

Endometriosis.

It’s really hurting.

Can I take more painkillers?

I already took some for my head.

But they’re not working.

I’m really sore, and even my head still hurts.

Maybe I’ll take some more.

Maybe I'll have a drink.

Alcohol helps sometimes.

Does that make me an alcoholic?

Not really.

Just desperate.

I'll just take more pills.

I’ll take different ones.

That’ll be okay.

The doctor said it was.

But she doesn’t know how many I take.

What would she say if she knew?

She’d judge me.

Think I’m weak.

Like other people do...


*Unnamed friend* does.

She made a comment once.

I’m sure it was aimed at me.

She said her pain tolerance was high and she didn’t need pills.

But she’s not in pain 24 hours of the day.

She doesn’t understand.

My pain tolerance is high.

I am in pain even with pain relief.

She doesn’t understand.

No one does.

What if no one ever does?...


I feel so alone.

What if I always feel this alone?...


Cramp.

Cramp in my stomach.

Oh no.

I need to go to the toilet.

IBS.

A constant drain on my life.

At least I’m still at home.

Okay.

I’ve been to the toilet.

Oh no.

What if I need to go again?

What if I need to go while I’m out?

What if I get these cramps again once I leave the house?

What if I need to go urgently and there’s no toilet nearby?

It wouldn't be the first time.

What if I’m in the car?

What if I’m with friends?

What if I don’t make it to the bathroom and have an accident?

I’ll be humiliated.

What will people think?

What if I do make it to the toilet, but they know what I’m doing in there?

I’ll still be humiliated.

They'll think I'm gross.

Or something's wrong with me.

Something is wrong with me.

What if this keeps happening forever?...


What if I never get better?

Ever.

I bet I won’t.

Stop being so negative!

I hate this...


I don’t want to leave the house.

I don’t want to be around other people.

I just want to be alone

It's easier that way.

Less stress...


But what if I really do end up alone?

What if my relationship ends like every other one has?

What if he cheats?

My last partner did.

Maybe that’s what I deserve.

What if I’m not good enough?

What if I can’t make him happy?

Who wants to be with a sick person anyway?...


No!

Just stop!

He loves me.

Wait.

What if something happens to him?

What if he gets sick?

Or someone hurts him?

Or something bad happens?...


What about the rest of my loved ones?

What about my parents?

They’re getting older.

More vulnerable.

What if someone takes advantage of them?

What if someone hurts them?

What if they feel humiliated or scared?

What if I've disappointed them?...


My brother.

His partner.

My niece and my nephews.

I love them so much.

What if something happens to them?...


What about other children?...


What about my future children?

If I can have them...


What about my pets?

What about all the animals?

Are they okay?...


What about my aunties and uncles?

And cousins?...


My grandparents. I miss them.

I hope they know I loved them.

What if they didn’t?...


What about my friends?

Are they okay?...


Pray.

That's what I'll do.

I'll pray.

I'll ask for everyone to be taken care of and kept safe.

But why would God help me?

I don't deserve anything from Him.

I'm not worthy...


What if I’m not a nice person?

What if no one likes me?

I don’t like me...


I’m tired.

I’m always tired...


I’m sad.

I’m always sad...


I’m depressed.

What if I have another breakdown?

I can’t do that again.

I don’t want to.

I just want to be happy for once.

Why can’t I ever just have things easy?...


Wait.

I’m complaining.

Stop complaining!

No one likes a complainer...


Just suck it up.

Deal with it.

I’ll be alright.

I’ll be fine.

I’m fine.

Smile.

Pretend if you have to.

Just do it.

Breathe...


Whatever.

No one cares anyway.

So, why do I care so much?

I care too much.

I don’t want others to suffer.

I want to carry everyone else’s burdens on my shoulders.

Why can’t I do that?

Why can’t I fix everything?

Because I’m useless.

That’s why.

Oh yeah...


I’m tired.

I can’t think anymore.

But I still have the whole day ahead of me...


Smile.

Pretend if you have to.

Just do it.

Breathe.

withlove
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Why I Think People Who Have Anxiety Are The Bravest People

Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Recently, I was in the midst of a conversation with a friend on a completely unrelated topic, when something struck me – people who suffer from anxiety are some of the bravest people in the world.

Why this thought popped into my head when we were discussing something else entirely, I have no idea, but I digress; the point is, I do believe exactly that!

Why?

Because people who suffer from anxiety face their biggest fears daily.

Think about it. When someone is afraid of heights and they decide to face that fear by going skydiving, what happens? We all applaud them for their bravery.

Or when someone confronts an attacker in a dangerous robbery. Aren’t we amazed at how incredibly brave that person is?

Well, a person with anxiety does those things every day.

Anxiety is their skydiving.

Anxiety is their dangerous attacker.

If you are someone who has never experienced anxiety (and I’m not talking about being nervous, or having butterflies in your tummy), I mean real anxiety, you are probably thinking ‘Yeah sure, okay!’ But if you are an anxiety sufferer, you will know exactly where I’m coming from with this train of thought.

The thing is, when you suffer anxiety, no one pats you on the back and says, ‘Hey, you’re brave. Good job!’ Instead, people say, ‘Umm, get over it!’ That’s the difference.

I’m not saying every person with anxiety should get some sort of parade. I’m just providing some food for thought and a reminder that compassion goes a long way.


What are your thoughts? Do you suffer anxiety and have to fight your fears every day? Also, what helps you to cope? For me, spending time with animals and looking after my plant-kids has a calming effect. I’d love to hear what works for you x

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Post Surgery Pamper Sesh and Enbacci Skincare Review

Friday, 11 January 2019

These past few months have been quite full on for me, hence why I've been rather "M.I.A" lately - migraines, surgery, stress, more migraines and so on.

Back in November I had my third laparoscopic surgery for Endometriosis, which ended up being a little more eventful than I had hoped - I had disease removed from my uterus, bladder, bowel, ovaries, things were stuck together, cysts were also removed, it was just a big mess in there all round!


Needless to say, recovery was a bit miserable for a good couple of weeks. So once I was able to move around a little (and shower on my own), I decided it was time for a good pamper afternoon! I never do it - the whole pamper thing; scrubs, masks etc. - I just don't, but I figured recovering from surgery was a pretty decent excuse!

Not long beforehand, I had been generously gifted the most beautiful box of skincare products from Enbacci, which I hadn't yet had a chance to open. Yay, now was the time - I had nothing but time up my sleeve!

So I took a nice warm shower, put on a comfy robe and sat myself down with this pretty blue box of goodies in front of me, which included Enbacci's Microdermabrasion Exfoliating Scrub, Detoxifying Clay Mask and Pore Minimiser.



STEP 1: SCRUB

The Microdermabrasion Exfoliation Scrub is designed to either prep the skin before applying a mask, or to simply use as a normal exfoliator prior to your usual skincare routine. I always get a bit nervous at the word "Microdermabrasion" because my skin is super sensitive and I have had reactions in the past to harsh scrubs. However, this one is so lovely and gentle - it's just gritty enough that you can feel it exfoliating, but gentle enough that it doesn't irritate my skin at all. Featuring a Shea butter formulation, rich in vitamins and fatty acids, the scrub resurfaces the skins texture while maintaining moisture, combating pores and blemishes, and evening out skin tone. I've really been loving this scrub and have continued using it 2-3 times a week. It's really brightened up my skin and it smells lovely!

Enbacci's Microdermabrasion Exfoliating Scrub is available for $45 AUD , 75ml

STEP 2: MASK

As I mentioned earlier, I'm usually not one to use masks - I don't like the messing around, the time wasting, the tight feeling - it's just not generally my thing. But this one was quite different to any that I've tried before. It's so light, it almost felt like I was just applying a moisturiser rather than a mask - in fact, I had to give the bottle a second look to make sure I was using the right one! The Detoxifying Clay Mask features a combination of Kaolin and Bentonite Clay with other natural ingredients such as Macadamia oil, Jojoba oil and Shea butter. It draws out dirt and toxins from clogged pores whilst nourishing and hydrating at the same time. I've really enjoyed using this mask as it's so easy & light, and just not as messy as most others I've tried.

Enbacci's Detoxifying Clay Mask is available for $44 AUD, 75ml

STEP 3: MINIMISE

For the final step, I tried Enbacci's Pore Minimiser. It features Tea Tree oil, which of course we all know is amazing in fighting against pimples and acne! This little gem works to seal in the mask's nutrients and refine the appearance of pores. It promotes skin healing, blurs imperfections and prevents moisture loss. The Pore Minimiser can be used as a makeup primer, or just as an addition to your usual skincare routine. I have been using it, not all over my face, but just in the areas I feel I need it - mostly the T zone - and then applying my usual moisturiser over the top once it has soaked in. I've been really enjoying using it this way, but you could use it any way you feel best benefits your skin type.

Enbacci's Pore Minimiser is available for $30 AUD, 50ml


I loved my little 'post surgery pamper afternoon', and have really enjoyed incorporating these beautiful products into my skincare routine on a weekly basis ever since! I definitely recommend checking out Enbacci and their gorgeous range of products if you haven't already - your skin will thank you for it! x
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SASSOU JAPAN 24K Gold Infused Beauty Cleansing Bar Review

Friday, 19 October 2018

If I told you there was this amazing bar of soap that will do wonders for your skin and you just have to try it - you'd totally go out and buy it, right?

What if I told you that bar of soap costs $100.00?

Hear me out. This cleansing bar by Sassou Japan is not only a beautiful, foaming bar of soap - it is also packed with refined 24 carat gold flakes! 24K GOLD!!!

This is honestly one of the most lovely products I've ever had the pleasure of trying - it is pure luxury! But not only that - it really has done wonders for my skin!

In addition to the gold, the cleansing bar also contains over 20 natural plant extracts. It enhances detoxification, improves moisture retention and leaves skin radiant!

So, what's the deal with the gold?

Well, apparently there are similar qualities found in gold as there are in certain Chinese herbal medicines that help with healing and recovery. Gold has the power to magnify the effects of skincare ingredients by targeting and awakening weakened structures in the skin.

The gold activates collagen production, while other ingredients such as Amica Montana, Lamium Album Flower extracts and honey deposit antioxidants to combat acne and other skin irritations, as well as repairing damaged skin and rejuvenating the complexion.


The Sassou Japan Gold Beauty Cleansing Bar retails for $100 AU. It comes with a cleansing net to help get the most out of the rich lather of this beautiful bar.

If you're looking for something to spoil yourself or someone you love with a little extra pampering, I would definitely recommend this - it's absolute heaven!

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Herbs + Heart Aloe Whip & Elixir Review

Wednesday, 12 September 2018

After recently trying (and loving) the beautiful Herbs + Heart Face Mud, I naturally jumped at the chance to try out some more of this gorgeous brand's newest products!

I was lucky enough to try out two products - Elixir and Aloe Whip.

Elixir is an absolutely beautiful serum! It's designed to help rescue dull, stressed skin with its super light, water-based formula and gold mica particles. Its main ingredients are Jasmine, Green Coffee and Avocado - so it's packed with antioxidants, vitamin C and provides plenty of hydration.

I found it was beautiful to use both on its own at night, as well as underneath a moisturiser and makeup during the day. My skin drank it up and thanked me for it - in particular those dry spots that seem to always appear during winter - in my case around my nose.

My only complaint is that the bottle was too small and I ran out too quickly - I want more!

Elixir retails at $28.00 for 10 ml or $130.00 for 100 ml and you can find it here.


The second product I tried was the Aloe Whip moisturiser. A super creamy moisturiser, packed with nutrients to help improve firmness and of course hydration. With a blend of Aloe Vera, Camellia and Oats, this is a really lovely moisturiser. I found it to be a beautiful, rich consistency, but also light enough to be able to use it every day. It soaks straight in and doesn't leave my skin feeling oily - which I love! It smells lovely and fresh and it wears well under makeup. I've loved using this product and it's currently my every day, go-to moisturiser. LOVE!

Aloe Whip retails at $29.99 for 100 ml and you can find it here.

I have loved using these products, and even combining the two together for a bit of extra pampering before bed! Herbs + Heart have quickly become one of my favourite brands and I'm excited to see what stunning products they come up with next!
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The One Thing I Wish People Would Understand About Suicide

Wednesday, 11 July 2018

In light of the many recent celebrity deaths by suicide, there have been many opinions circulating on social media relating to depression, and suicide in particular.

I'm of the belief that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, and I like to think of myself as someone with an open mind, and in turn, an open heart.

But there is one particular train of thought on this topic that I can't help but find deeply upsetting.

I have seen countless amounts of comments, posts and articles by people who feel that suicide is a "selfish act" - with no ifs, ands or buts about it!

Each time I read one of these comments, I can't help but feel angry, upset and offended.

I feel angry because people are ignorant. I feel upset because there are people taking there own lives every day out of pure desperation, only to be judged and ridiculed by strangers who never knew them. And I feel offended because I have been suicidal. I have been in that frame of mind where I felt the only way out was to end my life, and I came very close to doing so. So, does that make me selfish too?

When Chester Bennington passed away, I read a comment saying he should go to hell for "doing this to his children". Similar comments were made about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain shortly after.

It's these sorts of comments that make my blood boil. The fact that some people really think that these people took there own lives as some sort of vendetta against their loved ones just baffles me!

Depression is not a bad day. It is not feeling sad. It is not having a hard time. Depression is a debilitating disease. It consumes every part of you and can take away your ability to reason or think logically.

These people were not just having a bad day. They were consumed by this disease and convinced that the world would be a better place without them. They were desperate for peace and felt there was no hope of ever finding it.

They didn't take their lives to harm their loved ones, they did it FOR their loved ones! Because they truly believed in that moment that the people they loved the most would be better off without them.

This is the one thing I wish people would understand about suicide. It is a sad, tragic, horrible thing - but it is not a selfish act!

I know some people will disagree with this, and that's okay. But I felt the need to express this today, and so I have.

Please think before making such harsh comments. You never know what someone has been through, is going through or will one day go through.

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